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[magicandmight]

CORRESPONDENCE

...OF THE ESTEEMED Eadwulf Greive, FIRST OF THEIR NAME, HAILING FROM THE REALM OF The Dwendalian Empire (Critical Role), RESIDING, AT PRESENT, IN THE Naval District. Unwed.

By way of audio, video, personal caller, or delivery.

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Comments

un: CatWizard

[zemnianjoy]

I would like to say thank you for the care package.
It was not necessary but it was appreciated. My apologies that you had to see me like that.

[ a pause before continuing ]

I cannot imagine that it was easy.

[magicandmight]

[ There is a silence on his end. He knows what he's done. He knows what he has to do to fix it. But Caleb can never know. He can never know just how close he came to throwing himself onto Bren's bonfire. Caleb can never know he cried after, hidden from everyone.

He finally will answer, as cold and detached as he can, mostly because it all hurts right now. It hurts and not in a way that he enjoys. ]

It was necessary. You don't need to apologize to the likes of me. I understand.

But Caleb, you have to understand this...It was easy. I nearly lost myself and I did what I was built to do. Nothing more. I saw a threat and I neutralized it.

[ He makes himself say it because it is the truth. He had almost regressed into that thing that Ikithon had made. In doing so, he had hurt the one person in the world he had never ever wanted to hurt. He did it and he hates himself for it. Just as much as he hates himself for wanting Bren so desperately he can still taste it. ]

I will understand if you prefer to never be in my presence again. I am exactly the threat you were worried about.

[zemnianjoy]

Absolutely not, you may disabuse yourself of that notion. In fact that makes me want to be in your company even more if you will keep me accountable.

[ How Caleb had grown to love the idea of accountability, of people watching him to make sure that he did not fall along the wayside. ]

Then I am glad it was easy, for it kept me from doing a series of regrettable things. If it was easy for you, it means that it will be easy in the future.
And if you wish for the same from me? I will give it to you, Eadwulf Grieve-- and willingly will I do so.

[magicandmight]

[He definitely needs a drink right now. A drink and a spar and to get what's coming to him. But maybe this is part of his punishment. The part where he's reminded he's only good for one use. As a weapon. It takes a lot to shove Ikithon's voice away. He doesn't need to hear the perpetual litany he's heard all his adult life about his place in the world.]

Yes. A series of regrettable things... Caleb, I could have killed you. You know that, don't you. And then only the Matron could make you accountable.

But I will be honest with you because I don't ever want to lie to you. I could have joined him. [A pause. It's easy to speak of Bren as if he's a separate person.]

You have no idea how close I came to letting him take my leash. He was one demand away from it. And I wanted it. I won't be able to fight against it. Not a second time. I will falter. I won't be able to deny my nature or him.

[Because Ikithon had made Wulf that way. Once upon a time, before it all, that hadn't fully been his nature, but his education had been thorough and his youthful eagerness to please and obedience to most authority has been turned into something insidious. He knows Caleb knows this, even if he hadn't been there for the decade after.]

I will be attoning for that. And for hurting you. But...Caleb. If I lose myself...I want you to do whatever you have to to keep me from hurting you again.

[zemnianjoy]

[ Caleb would doggedly insist that Bren was deep within himself, a guarded locked up place-- as a place as tight as Vergossen, and a breakout had staged which had him doubling down. Caleb had escaped from Vergossen but Bren? Bren was not allowed out, he'd not let that part of himself to victimize his friends and family...

Essek. ]

I will do whatever it takes if you falter; I will hold you as accountable as I hold myself.


[ And Caleb? Oh how he was the hardest on himself for he knew there was darkness underneath the surface and he'd seen it rear it's head; he did not want to see it again ]

[magicandmight]

[If Caleb would have said that out loud, Wulf might have laughed coldly. Because Caleb had broken free...and also broken back in. Things can get in and out of that place. Bren could resurface. Eadwulf knows he won't be able to resist. He can still taste Bren on his lips. He can still feel the warmth of that hand on the back of his neck. He knows. He knows he still loves Bren. And he also know he can never tell Caleb. He has to let the man move on and be happy with whatever new thing he might become for this man. At least one of them doesn't need to be tied to what was. It can't be him. He's still with Astrid, after all. Proof that he can't let go of the bonds that tangled them all together.]

Of course. You won't let the witch have his fill of me. If I lose anymore, I'm not certain I'll be able to come back. But I know you. I know you will do whatever you have to. This time though, it's not on you. I will seek my punishment elsewhere. You've been hurt enough by me.

[zemnianjoy]

[ No one was perfect, neither of all was Eadwulf and he also could see signs of such deep inward trauma, it was in the cracks-- he'd had to deal with his cracks and he did not know or understand the things that Astrid and Eadwulf had done to survive, he could not imagine anything beyond his own survival. He also was certain that this wasn't something that him and Eadwulf could talk about, at least not without a goodly amount of whiskey between them and something approaching a stable foundation. It hurt but he felt helpless ]

I understand your need for punishment, just as I understand why I cannot be that one. [ He could not punish Eadwulf for doing something that needed to be done.

Caleb also knew that he wanted to forge something new with Eadwulf, but perhaps that would come in time. Eadwulf's pride would not at this moment allow himself to accept anything good, but maybe a drink over some Apple Brandy could help forge those new connections. ]

The Matron keep you safe, Wulf.

Unexpected visit :)

[melanholia]

He didn't want to do this. Honestly. And especially after their last fight. For some weird reason, he always ends up arguing with Eadwulf for one reason or another, and it's making him wonder if he's that incapable of finding common ground with him. He seems to be doing just fine with others.

Shaking his head, he curls cloak around himself even more, as the wind picks up. It's been raining the whole morning, and he's been out the whole morning looking for... well. And after not being able to find him, he wound up here, cowl pulled on but drenched like a rat. He knows the small apartment behind these doors and that the man probably doesn't want to be disturbed but- if he doesn't tell him now, he'll find out and then be angry he didn't tell him.

"Lesser than two evils," he mutters and raises his hand. Pausing, he almost changes his mind but Caleb's completely empty room/space flashes in his mind, making Molly press his lips together and bang on the door.

[magicandmight]

Usually his raven would alert him to anyone coming near his door with an unholy caterwauling of caws, but with the rains, he's relented to allowing her into his home. Right now , she's happily nesting on top of his little alter.

So he's not at all prepared for a knock at his door.

He doesn't answer. Not at first. Instead, Molly will see his shadow darken the tiny window, just barely in sight. Fingers curling around to tug a curtain so he can look out without being in direct line of sight himself.

If he already didn't know that cloak, he would have suddenly appeared behind the visitor with lightening cracking at his fingertips and a sword in hand. But he knows that cloak. So instead, the curtain moves closed again. It will take a little longer for him to open his door. He's installed more locks.

Eadwulf stands, in just trousers and shirtsleeves instead of his usual many severe layers. He looks as relaxed as he's ever going to be. He crosses his arms and looks down at the soaked tiefling, sighs and steps aside as of to let the man inside.

"Mollymauk Tealeaf." He greets. "Are you here for that?" He motions back to where his shrine to the Raven Queen sits. The unfinished knight card sits next to a porcelain mask, in a position of honor.

[melanholia]

He was surprised that he didn't see Rabe outside, but it made sense with the rain and storm that was slowly picking up. He liked summer storms, on a good day. Today's not a good day.

There was a twitch of surprise when Eadwulf opened the door and for a moment he forgot why he was here in the first place. He does look different, much more relaxed here. Perhaps it was a bad idea to suggest remaining at the coastal house, no matter how much everyone (and by everyone, him specifically) enjoyed his company.

He doesn't step inside until Eadwulf asks and motions at the card on the altar; only then does he step through the door, and just about away from the rain. He doesn't step any further in because he's dripping and muddy, as if he went on a trek through hills, mountains, and woods. Though that's not entirely a lie.

"Ah, no. That's not it," he shakes his head; the card belongs to Eadwulf, he'd never use it in the readings. He also doesn't make a move to take off his coat, expecting to be leaving soon. "It's about Caleb." And considering how not very chatty and upbeat he is this time, it should describe the level of seriousness. Molly's not sure what transpired between those two, but he knew that they know each other to the point of sharing a living space, even if for a while.

He stares at the altar for a very long time before he snaps out of it and glances over at Eadwulf. "He's not here anymore."

[magicandmight]

Molly doesn't go too far past the front door and Eadwulf doesn't blame him. He knows already how this man feels about this place. That it's too small. Too cold. Too empty. He also knows that they'd fought about this, about him coming back to this place instead of staying at the house on the beach. He doesn't expect the other man to stay because he's certain he's done enough damage to keep the other man from trying to draw him back to a place he feels only barely wanted.

He wants to go and throw a towel at the man dripping in his doorway, but waits where he is, arms crossed. He's expecting more argument, perhaps some impassioned speech about the power of friendship or some absolute bullshit that Eadwulf knows to be manipulation. But instead, the fortune teller says that. He says that one name, looks so terribly concerned, that Wulf's heart clenches in his chest. His frown goes to worry in an instant. He's deeply worried about what might have happened to Caleb that had sent Molly here. The bone deep fear for Caleb's safety all but pours off him. He had left to protect the man and something has indeed happened in his absence. Perhaps Molly is here to say 'I told you so'.

He starts to head to where his spellbook sits, to gather it and his supplies up. If there is something wrong, then he must go. But then there's the rest and he stops in his tracks. His heart shatters at the news he hears. Silently, Wulf sits down heavily, hand still on his spellbook. So, the visions, they had been a portent then. He had seen the nightmare of Astrid leaving him behind, leaving him alone, only to have the reality of Caleb leaving. He should have been ready for this. He's lost this man far too many times now. It still hurts like the first time. He schools his expression into one of neutrality.

"Gone? Not dead? If he is dead, I will need a name. I will see it done." He stares past at the alter and the mask. "But not here. As in home? Good. He has things he needs to do." His tone is lacking even the inflection of any emotion. Not even callousness. He's shut himself down to handle this as he knows best. With the cold pragmatic precision of a well honed sword. "I'll see him again, when his threads are pulled to mine again. I know where he's headed after all. And even there, I'm never the lover he reaches for when he needs something and I haven't been for fifteen years. But I will be there for him when he needs it, eventually." He knows he's admitting to what had indeed passed between himself and that man once a long time ago. He's admitting to why he'd been so willing to live with them. Why he had left as well. "But I promise you, I know he will be well as can be considering what is to come."

He looks to Molly, so detached from what he should be feeling. He's purposely killed it, anything that might betray how much he hurts to know his chance to have any a fraction of Caleb's friendship was gone from him. He won't confront how really and truly alone he is now until he's alone. "Thank you for telling me this. Though you might want to watch the Shadowhand. He might not take this news well."

[melanholia]

Any kind of type of fight and argument to prove this man wrong has seeped out of him, for the time being. He's been doing some thinking, long thinking, to perhaps make a step back and give the man space to breathe. He was too caught up in the thought that something horrible had happened and he could perhaps give a little bit of push for a change or something stupid like that. But before his thoughts could crystalize on what he was going to do- Caleb was gone. And he was here. He had to be. He's never been bad at guessing.

And he wasn't wrong this time either. A lover, huh? Caleb never mentioned it, but then again, Caleb rarely talked to them about anything that isn't the current situation they were in. If it were a different situation, Molly would laugh at himself for thinking he has secrets, when Caleb has layers of them. Expertly hidden. So Eadwulf's reaction explains a lot, not only right now, but all those conversations in the past too. It's also not his place to comment on the relationship, no matter how much he wants to shower him with questions.

"No, not dead. I don't believe so. Caleb's too smart to get himself into sort of trouble and not tell at least one other person what he's up to, in case things go wrong. Besides, I saw him yesterday evening. He was perfectly fine. So this was..." Molly wrings his hands, eyes locked onto some spot in the distance, wishing he could reach that damn "Goddess" and strangle her with his bare hands.

"...This was something else. I looked around," hence the current state of his looks, "and asked people, so going back is what probably happened." If anything else happened, he'd hunt them down first before even coming here. He's not going to toss the 'told you so' back at Eadwulf, even if he remembered that his words were kind of justified, he wouldn't do it to Wulf. Especially now that he knows the connection. Molly's an asshole, but not the type of asshole.

"Not a problem," he shakes his head. "I figured there was some kind of story between the two of you when you accepted to stay over, so I figured you should know. Also," he pulls out a few books, one in common, two thinner ones in Zemnian, and makes few steps in only to hand items over, "you can have these, they are his. I can't-" a pause- "-can't read Zemnian." Or speak it. Or read any normal books to begin with. They'll have more use here, even if it's just sentimental.

[magicandmight]

He stays seated. He doesn't want to stand and give away how much the news of the missing wizard really touched him. Later, when he's alone, he can mourn. Mourn for a third time, the loss of that man. But he can't do that now. Now is a time for information and distance. He can feel later. He considers telling Molly to sit the hell down too. Clearly, he's been racing about. He doesn't.

"I'm afraid I don't have anything like scrying to make certain. Even if I did, he is hidden from that. I wouldn't be able to find him until he wanted me to find him." No. Eadwulf knows the painful truth. He would never be the one to find Caleb. It would always be that man reaching out, and never towards him. He would always be the last option, when every other resource was used up. He doesn't blame the man. He can't.

"We'll keep an eye out anyway. Rabe and I. Just to make sure. And should we find out, either way, I'll send word." Meaning that if Caleb is really gone, he's absolutely not coming back to that house. Ever. The only reason he had been welcomed there in the first place is gone. He can't imagine himself being welcomed without the other human wizard there to vouch for him.

He blinks though when the books are handed to him. With gentle hands, he accepts them and turned them over in his palms. He smiles at the covers, but it's such a sad smile, full of nostalgic longing and heartache. He unconsciously cradles them to his chest. He hugs them to himself as if trying to cling to all he has left of his old friend. Once again, he hadn't gotten to say goodbye. And this time, there's no asylum for him to visit. There's no cottage with green beans that he may or may not be welcome near. "Thank you. This...it means a lot. You didn't have to give me these."

He knows that. Molly could have kept them. Could have given them to Essek. Could have done anything at all with them. Instead, he brought them here. "I know you said he was teaching you. I'm a poor substitute, I know that. I'll never be remotely as brilliant as him, but if you'd like, I can keep teaching you." Because he knows Caleb would like that. Caleb would want that. And a part of him does like the idea of sitting with Molly and a book, helping him through it.

[melanholia]

This is why being a wizard is great he'd have a spell to dry himself off and be clean in seconds. He'll just have to content himself with being damp until he goes back to the house and take a change of clothing. Now that he thinks about it, maybe it would be good to change places for a while. It was a wonderful idea that Caleb had, one place all can return to, and perhaps they will, but Molly's still not used to it. Wandering around is just his life. But he doesn't want to make impulse decisions, especially with that crazy maid/butler woman following him around.

"Hmm, that would've been helpful, but if he has something against it then it's a moot point. If I hear anything myself, I'll let you know." It does make him frown in thought at how much of a chance in life he had to run into one person that, from all looks of it, didn't WANT to be found. And then there he was, traveling with a former circus person. He's not one to go back on things, but it was so much simpler with the carnival. So... easier. Easier than this.

His lips twitch into a small smile at Eadwulf hugging the books but doesn't say anything about the gesture. "Well, there was always a discussion about how useful books are. Why get those stuck with me when someone else can get more out of them?" Not the knowledge, even if it sounds like it, but the connection. Especially when the books are passed down.

"Oh, that-!" Damn, he didn't expect to hear that Caleb had discussed his 'teachings' that Molly had almost pestered him into. "It's fine, I've managed until now without it. Besides- I did once get a comment I'd be an unstoppable, insufferable know-it-all 'cuz I'd learn too much. Oh my god- I'd be Beau," he slaps his cheeks in mock-shock, attempting to lift the mood, not caring it's at his own expense. Anything to distract from the embarrassing fact he can barely read when he's surrounded by people that crave books the same way one craves food.

But it is a tempting image, and he'd accept it in a blink of an eye if it weren't for the creeping, weird feeling that he'd be intruding here too much. He always seems to step on some kind of mine when he starts talking to Eadwulf that he's not sure what to do anymore. "Perhaps when things calm down a little, I'll come around for it." Yet despite all, he can't say no because he does want to spend time with him. "Caleb was kind of keeping us all tied together so I have a feeling things are going to go south. Especially with Essek, as you mentioned."