...OF THE ESTEEMED Eadwulf Greive, FIRST OF THEIR NAME, HAILING FROM THE REALM OF The Dwendalian Empire (Critical Role), RESIDING, AT PRESENT, IN THE Naval District. Unwed.
[ There is a silence on his end. He knows what he's done. He knows what he has to do to fix it. But Caleb can never know. He can never know just how close he came to throwing himself onto Bren's bonfire. Caleb can never know he cried after, hidden from everyone.
He finally will answer, as cold and detached as he can, mostly because it all hurts right now. It hurts and not in a way that he enjoys. ]
It was necessary. You don't need to apologize to the likes of me. I understand.
But Caleb, you have to understand this...It was easy. I nearly lost myself and I did what I was built to do. Nothing more. I saw a threat and I neutralized it.
[ He makes himself say it because it is the truth. He had almost regressed into that thing that Ikithon had made. In doing so, he had hurt the one person in the world he had never ever wanted to hurt. He did it and he hates himself for it. Just as much as he hates himself for wanting Bren so desperately he can still taste it. ]
I will understand if you prefer to never be in my presence again. I am exactly the threat you were worried about.
Absolutely not, you may disabuse yourself of that notion. In fact that makes me want to be in your company even more if you will keep me accountable.
[ How Caleb had grown to love the idea of accountability, of people watching him to make sure that he did not fall along the wayside. ]
Then I am glad it was easy, for it kept me from doing a series of regrettable things. If it was easy for you, it means that it will be easy in the future. And if you wish for the same from me? I will give it to you, Eadwulf Grieve-- and willingly will I do so.
[He definitely needs a drink right now. A drink and a spar and to get what's coming to him. But maybe this is part of his punishment. The part where he's reminded he's only good for one use. As a weapon. It takes a lot to shove Ikithon's voice away. He doesn't need to hear the perpetual litany he's heard all his adult life about his place in the world.]
Yes. A series of regrettable things... Caleb, I could have killed you. You know that, don't you. And then only the Matron could make you accountable.
But I will be honest with you because I don't ever want to lie to you. I could have joined him. [A pause. It's easy to speak of Bren as if he's a separate person.]
You have no idea how close I came to letting him take my leash. He was one demand away from it. And I wanted it. I won't be able to fight against it. Not a second time. I will falter. I won't be able to deny my nature or him.
[Because Ikithon had made Wulf that way. Once upon a time, before it all, that hadn't fully been his nature, but his education had been thorough and his youthful eagerness to please and obedience to most authority has been turned into something insidious. He knows Caleb knows this, even if he hadn't been there for the decade after.]
I will be attoning for that. And for hurting you. But...Caleb. If I lose myself...I want you to do whatever you have to to keep me from hurting you again.
[ Caleb would doggedly insist that Bren was deep within himself, a guarded locked up place-- as a place as tight as Vergossen, and a breakout had staged which had him doubling down. Caleb had escaped from Vergossen but Bren? Bren was not allowed out, he'd not let that part of himself to victimize his friends and family...
Essek. ]
I will do whatever it takes if you falter; I will hold you as accountable as I hold myself.
[ And Caleb? Oh how he was the hardest on himself for he knew there was darkness underneath the surface and he'd seen it rear it's head; he did not want to see it again ]
[If Caleb would have said that out loud, Wulf might have laughed coldly. Because Caleb had broken free...and also broken back in. Things can get in and out of that place. Bren could resurface. Eadwulf knows he won't be able to resist. He can still taste Bren on his lips. He can still feel the warmth of that hand on the back of his neck. He knows. He knows he still loves Bren. And he also know he can never tell Caleb. He has to let the man move on and be happy with whatever new thing he might become for this man. At least one of them doesn't need to be tied to what was. It can't be him. He's still with Astrid, after all. Proof that he can't let go of the bonds that tangled them all together.]
Of course. You won't let the witch have his fill of me. If I lose anymore, I'm not certain I'll be able to come back. But I know you. I know you will do whatever you have to. This time though, it's not on you. I will seek my punishment elsewhere. You've been hurt enough by me.
[ No one was perfect, neither of all was Eadwulf and he also could see signs of such deep inward trauma, it was in the cracks-- he'd had to deal with his cracks and he did not know or understand the things that Astrid and Eadwulf had done to survive, he could not imagine anything beyond his own survival. He also was certain that this wasn't something that him and Eadwulf could talk about, at least not without a goodly amount of whiskey between them and something approaching a stable foundation. It hurt but he felt helpless ]
I understand your need for punishment, just as I understand why I cannot be that one. [ He could not punish Eadwulf for doing something that needed to be done.
Caleb also knew that he wanted to forge something new with Eadwulf, but perhaps that would come in time. Eadwulf's pride would not at this moment allow himself to accept anything good, but maybe a drink over some Apple Brandy could help forge those new connections. ]
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timeasmymeasure
un: CatWizard
Date: 2023-05-24 02:03 pm (UTC)It was not necessary but it was appreciated. My apologies that you had to see me like that.
[ a pause before continuing ]
I cannot imagine that it was easy.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-25 02:15 pm (UTC)He finally will answer, as cold and detached as he can, mostly because it all hurts right now. It hurts and not in a way that he enjoys. ]
It was necessary. You don't need to apologize to the likes of me. I understand.
But Caleb, you have to understand this...It was easy. I nearly lost myself and I did what I was built to do. Nothing more. I saw a threat and I neutralized it.
[ He makes himself say it because it is the truth. He had almost regressed into that thing that Ikithon had made. In doing so, he had hurt the one person in the world he had never ever wanted to hurt. He did it and he hates himself for it. Just as much as he hates himself for wanting Bren so desperately he can still taste it. ]
I will understand if you prefer to never be in my presence again. I am exactly the threat you were worried about.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-25 04:59 pm (UTC)[ How Caleb had grown to love the idea of accountability, of people watching him to make sure that he did not fall along the wayside. ]
Then I am glad it was easy, for it kept me from doing a series of regrettable things. If it was easy for you, it means that it will be easy in the future.
And if you wish for the same from me? I will give it to you, Eadwulf Grieve-- and willingly will I do so.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-25 06:33 pm (UTC)Yes. A series of regrettable things... Caleb, I could have killed you. You know that, don't you. And then only the Matron could make you accountable.
But I will be honest with you because I don't ever want to lie to you. I could have joined him. [A pause. It's easy to speak of Bren as if he's a separate person.]
You have no idea how close I came to letting him take my leash. He was one demand away from it. And I wanted it. I won't be able to fight against it. Not a second time. I will falter. I won't be able to deny my nature or him.
[Because Ikithon had made Wulf that way. Once upon a time, before it all, that hadn't fully been his nature, but his education had been thorough and his youthful eagerness to please and obedience to most authority has been turned into something insidious. He knows Caleb knows this, even if he hadn't been there for the decade after.]
I will be attoning for that. And for hurting you. But...Caleb. If I lose myself...I want you to do whatever you have to to keep me from hurting you again.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-26 02:15 pm (UTC)Essek. ]
I will do whatever it takes if you falter; I will hold you as accountable as I hold myself.
[ And Caleb? Oh how he was the hardest on himself for he knew there was darkness underneath the surface and he'd seen it rear it's head; he did not want to see it again ]
no subject
Date: 2023-05-26 05:08 pm (UTC)Of course. You won't let the witch have his fill of me. If I lose anymore, I'm not certain I'll be able to come back. But I know you. I know you will do whatever you have to. This time though, it's not on you. I will seek my punishment elsewhere. You've been hurt enough by me.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-26 05:51 pm (UTC)I understand your need for punishment, just as I understand why I cannot be that one. [ He could not punish Eadwulf for doing something that needed to be done.
Caleb also knew that he wanted to forge something new with Eadwulf, but perhaps that would come in time. Eadwulf's pride would not at this moment allow himself to accept anything good, but maybe a drink over some Apple Brandy could help forge those new connections. ]
The Matron keep you safe, Wulf.